


Something's Gotta Give

by newbensolo



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Amputation, Anal Sex, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bad Decisions, Blow Jobs, Break Up, Hurt/Comfort, Infidelity, Intercrural Sex, M/M, Sex and the City AU, Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-07
Updated: 2017-05-07
Packaged: 2018-04-02 11:40:41
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 16,436
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4058656
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/newbensolo/pseuds/newbensolo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A solemn, and large space was lay between them. It's vastness couldn't be filled by Erwin's half assed conversation starters. There appeared to be no remedy for this hurt, a near palpable ache that hung in the air. It was written in Levi's bad posture and seared into Erwin's ice blue stare.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Pain Without Gain

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I added the Sex and the City tag finally! This isn't a strict following of the show's arc, but Levi and Erwin's roles are heavily based on those of Carrie and Mr.Big. Anyways, I hope you all enjoy this and thanks for reading!

Levi inspects his nails with an expression of disdain. As far as Erwin can tell they're impeccable, and he doubts Levi would ever allow any grime to remain beneath his nails. Nonetheless, the short man's eyes trace each one from cuticle to lunula. The pair are seated in the back of Erwin's private car as the bustling city around them is drenched in rain. There's a thick tension wired silence inside the warm car.

"It's incredibly unfortunate that the rain interrupted your lunch." Erwin's voice is subdued like the storm outside is weighing it down.

He thinks of just ten minutes earlier. He'd spotted a gloomy Levi throwing out a ruined lunch, and stopped to offer him a ride. With a mild bit of convincing the man had agreed.

Now, Levi is sitting in the far corner, turned away from Erwin. He makes a mild sounding ' _Tch_ ' in response to Erwin's comment while the silence carries on. The rain seems to pound harder on the roof, and Levi watches the masses scramble around. Some with umbrellas, but most were disgustingly wet. Through the tinted glass he watches strangers crash together, break apart, and move along. His attention is then brought to the fat rain drops rolling lazily down the glass in the slow moving traffic. He releases a heavy exhale that sounds distinctly like the petulant sigh of a wronged child. His grey eyes cut over to Erwin before catching the ice blue irises and then cutting away.

"I didn't need you to pick me up. I could've walked, 'ts not that far." Levi says, and shifts uncomfortably like speaking of the incident has reminded him of his desperate urge to bolt.

Flicking his dripping black hair from his eyes, Levi turns away to look out the window once more. His faux focus almost passes for a legitimate interest in the world outside. Still, Erwin's eyes roam his body. Not in a sexual way. No, it's only to check over him, to ensure his health, and his safety. He's still as petite as Erwin remembered. The sodden clothes cling close enough to allow him a good look at his physique. He's still covered in the same wiry muscle. The slump of his shoulders however is far more pronounced. Levi's hair is stringy and wet, and falling down enough that it obscures Erwin from viewing his face. It feels like defense to protect him from Erwin's scrutiny. The impassive expression Erwin wears softens.

"I know." He smiles at the turned back. "...Levi I-" He stops midsentence as Levi glares his way through his curtain of hair. The clouds are insistent upon drowning the whole goddamn city. The world outside grows even darker. However, the inside of the car remains a suspended place of emptiness. Levi fidgets as traffic stalls out once again. He can't help but feel trapped. He hates to imagine being caught in this hell forever. Finally, Levi flips his hair and faces the other. The gesture is usually laced with sass, but now it falls flat as more of an anxious display.

"Hm, how's Nile doing," Levi's face is bored despite the bitterness that unwillingly creeps into his words.

Grey eyes stare imploringly at Erwin, a challenge. The older man stiffens and his eyes widen at the blatant venom in Levi's tone. He coughs and schools his expression to bland indifference. He scratches the short blonde hairs at the nape of his neck. "Nile is doing fine." He says sheepishly, "He's become a bit frantic in planning bu-,"

Erwin's cut off by a prolonged honk as traffic begins to move.

"Planning?" Levi drags out each syllable. His face is quizzical, and as the words process his mind pounces on the first agonizing conclusion. Hurt floods his eyes. It takes several tries to speak, his voice cutting off and a thick lump in his throat. He finally croaks out his question, "Are.. you getting married?"

 _Marriage_ and  _commitment_ : Erwin Smith's biggest earthly fears. To think he'd be settling down with some twenty something brat was laughable and terribly possible.

"No." Erwin's reply is immediate and automatic. It's an incredibly rehearsed answer, one he's said to many people over the years. Levi internally lets out a sigh. He remains outwardly unmoved. The panic has seeped into his bones. Erwin clears his throats and speaks again. "He's planning some party for one of his friends."

There's another lapse in the nonexistent conversation, but it was at least momentarily filled by Erwin's awkward small talk. He's tried with everything he knows about the man. He only receives a grunt or mumble in return. A solemn and large space lays between them. Its vastness couldn't be filled by Erwin's half assed conversation starters.

There appeared to be no remedy for this hurt. It is a near palpable ache that hangs in the air. It's written in Levi's bad posture and seared into Erwin's ice blue stare.

The rain thins enough that the world, traffic included, returns to a reasonable pace. Still as the car makes its way to Levi's apartment time slows. A lifetime passes in those moments. Erwin swears he can feel his hair turning gray. When they finally pull up in front of Levi's stoop it's almost a relief. Almost. He still feels like he's waiting. He's waiting for Levi to turn to him with a smirk and a vulgar remark before kissing him as he gets out of the car. He is expecting the sound of Levi's chuckle as the door gets slammed into his face when Erwin tries to kiss him again.

Instead, they are sitting in heavy silence as the car idles. Neither of them speak the words that are raging to escape. As they exist in a broken patch of time their ghosts repeat their old habits and banter. Erwin can nearly feel the heat of Levi on his skin.

Eventually, the calm is broken. Levi opens his door. His knuckles are white around the metal handle. His booted feet splash into a puddle that's hidden next to the curb. He curses. He doesn't slam the door, but lets it shut with a soft click. Erwin's eyes take in the empty seat of where he once was, and he's jolted into sudden motion. He moves without poise or dignity and throws himself out the door which Levi had left. His suit wrinkles as he nearly face-plants into the wet sidewalk. The rain has picked up again. It's already ruining his clothes. He pulls himself fully out of the car and collapses onto the ground. It's a partially stifled giggle that catches his attention. Under the small awning over his door, Levi stands red-faced from containing laughter.

"Have you finally lost the ability to walk, old man?" The last few words are close to swallowed by the loud laughs that ripple through his small frame. Erwin finds himself laughing along. The rain continues to soak his clothes. His hair is simply hopeless now, but he can't muster the energy to focus on anything except the laughing man before him. Levi seemed to lose the heavy despairity from before and is immersed in his own foolish humor. Sadly, his laughter dies and so does the false reality that Erwin has created. This isn't like before. They are not laughing over an inside joke. There is no possibility of this meeting ending with Erwin going upstairs and unlike the movies the tension only appears to have grown. Levi's stare bores down into him, his eyes aren't furious or even threatening. They are the tired eyes of a tired man. He turns to his door and unlocks it carefully.

"Levi wait," Erwin starts. He maneuvers into a position that allows him to stand with relative ease. Levi's head cocks to the side, and he throws a tentative glance over his shoulder.

"Levi-" Erwin stops. "Rivaille." The taller man says the name breathlessly. It isn't something the other enjoys being called. Erwin is one of the few who know it. It is a privilege. He just hopes he hasn't lost it yet. Levi's stance relaxes. He leans forward and puts his weight on the stones of the doorway. He speaks nothing against the name. Erwin knows that he's still granted this privilege. It is obvious the dark haired man is waiting for Erwin to continue, but everything he's planned to say evades him. Levi waits with his hand on the door knob. He waits because the waiting today is apparently endless, but when it becomes clear Erwin won't speak and he opens the door. Stepping inside he shakes off some of the water and turns to Erwin. His expression is unreadable and as the door is closing he speaks one last time.

"Goodbye Erwin."

"Goodbye-" He calls, mumbling his next words- "for now, Levi." His words are heard only by the shut door and the falling rain.


	2. Chance be a Funny Thing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter is edited!! Yay!!

They next meet by chance, just a bit of luck. Levi can't tell if it's good or bad. Hange had heard about an artsy new play. It incorporated a legend Hange had always found just fascinating into its plot line. Hange had bought two tickets and then decided to drag Levi along.

Levi sits in the straight-backed seat while his back aches. It's covered in hideous velveteen that is stained with a myriad of unidentifiable things. He makes no attempt to hide his distaste and even goes as far as to make dramatic whining noises as he settles down. Their seats aren't decent either. The bottom floor had filled up quickly with pre-orders so they were stuck in the eleventh-hour nosebleed ticket sales.

Levi attempted to throw a fit about this also, but Hange only handed him a small pair of theater binoculars in response. Levi's face must have appeared more startled than he thought because soon Hange was laughing in a big raucous mess. When they had calmed down they fixed their glasses and hair. Then, incredibly Hange pulls out another pair of binoculars.

The main lights in the theater dim. This leaves only the blinding stage lights at full brightness. The abrupt change makes Levi's vision swim and he blinks away stars. There begins a solemn score, the volume is too low to fully hear from their distance. Levi thinks of starting a failure tally and mailing it to a magazine critic just to save them the trip. The music plays a moment longer before it swells and stops. The curtain at stage front parts, the pulley squealing all the while, and an actor is seated on a stool center stage. He faces the crowd and begins a monolog. 

Levi immediately finds himself bored with the monotonous drone. He decides to put the binoculars to good use. He starts to look for all the fools in the audience. 

Though the darkness impairs his vision, Levi still gets a good glimpse at the morons around him. Half of them look the part of artsy twenty somethings while the other half are overdressed pretentious assholes.

At one point in his people watch, Levi falls into a fit of snickers. They get loud enough to disturb Hange, and he receives a swift elbow in the side. He hisses in pain and glares indignantly but refrains from drawing any more attention. He puts an effort into paying attention to the happenings on stage. At the moment an unfortunate actress enters the on stage with hair bright and ugly. He cringes from the sight, and he decides to skim the crowd again. This time, however, he focuses his attentions on the upper level.

These people are more in his range of sight so he doesn't have to crane his neck. Levi's eyes eventually roam to the opposite side of the balcony. He tries not to squirm or even move incase Hange goes for another hit to his ribs. They are someone to be feared when they're mad. Thankfully, it isn't a frequent occurrence. He still had sense enough to avoid the possibility. He wouldn't put it past them to replace all his cleaning products with a vile creation from their lab.

His eyes are going across the rows when he freezes. In the third row from the ledge, is where Erwin is sitting. It has been over a month since the depressing rendezvous in Erwin's car. Levi has to suppress the urge to lean forward, and take in the man's appearance. He's wearing a suit, of course, not exactly work attire, but good enough to see a shitty play. His tie is blue, darker than his eyes, but Levi has no doubt the contrast is attractive in regular light. In short, he looks magnificent. Painfully so.

Looking back to Erwin's face, Levi finds it hidden by a small pair of binoculars. Levi knows already they are outrageously expensive compared to his borrowed ones.

_Snob._ Levi thinks with a smirk. The expression quickly shifts to a disgusted snarl at the sight of Nile sitting to the right of Erwin. The idiot looks like dingy rent-boy with his stringy brown hair hanging in his face. In that moment, something comical happens on stage and the crowd roars with laughter. Nile places a pasty hand on Erwin's arm and shoots him a look as if they're sharing an inside joke. It feels like intruding on a private moment and it lodges it self at the base of Levi's throat.

Levi shifts in discomfort and looks away. He swallows around the bile that creeps up his throat. His grip on the binoculars has tightened enough for his knuckles to protest and send a shock of pain up his arm. He curses. When he'd left Erwin outside in the rain he had promptly punched the brick wall in the hallway. It still hadn't fully mended.

He grudgingly returns to looking at Erwin. The man's attention has since left Nile, and he appears to be searching the audience likely for the same purpose that Levi had. Levi watches Erwin. His next twisting as he looks over row after row. He starts on the upper level. He is scanning the rows when he suddenly stops. Erwin pulls the binoculars away from his face and leans forward over the row of people in front of him. Levi brings down his own pair and startles back.

Erwin pulls his binoculars back up to get a good glimpse of Levi and affirm his identity. He waves a hand in a small arc. Levi replaces the binoculars before his eyes and waves hesitantly back.

Erwin removes the binoculars and looks away from Levi. He is searching for something in his pocket. Puzzled, Levi strains to see what he was looking for when his pants pocket vibrates. Or well, his phone vibrates in his pocket. Levi tenses and looks to see if the noise has disturbed anyone around him. It was clear. Slowly, he lowers his binoculars and pulls out his phone despite already knowing who the message was from. He unlocks his phone and opens the message.

_Erwin_ : _Hello Levi. It's a pleasure seeing you here._

Levi rolled his eyes at the text. The wording is proper and informal. Just like the man himself.

To _Erwin_ : sure it is, old man but why r u even here

The reply comes instantly.

_Erwin_ : _Nile was interested so I accompanied him._

Levi groans. 

To _Erwin_ : why arent I surprised

He scowls as he sends it and starts another.

To _Erwin_ : we're not allowed to text in here 

His phone vibrates and he debates with himself over opening it. He falls to the temptation.

_Erwin: Then should we go to the lobby to catch up?_

Levi's heart speeds up at the message. His fingers shake over the keyboard. _Should I go?_ He asks himself. His mind scathingly bites back, _Don't be ridiculous! The only answer is no_! Like a ghost, he watches his fingers type and sends his yes before he can wrap his mind around it. He's shoved back into his own skin with a pounding heart that protests and advocates for how screwed he is.

Mechanically, he gets up. His stomach twists and threatens to climb through his throat. Hange gives him a questioning glance, but he shakes his head in response. He'll tell them later. They shrug and return to the play. Levi quickly makes it to the main aisle where his knees weaken and shake. He shakes his head in frustration causing his hair to fall into his eyes. He pushes them aside and straightens up. Levi refuses to see Erwin and look like a frightened child.

After he gets himself under control and has forced his features into fake calm does he march forward. His resolve lasts until the moment he walks through the doors to the lobby. His eyes land on Erwin. He's facing away from Levi, but he already looks better than he had from the balcony. While Levi's stomach churns Erwin turns to face him. His sky blue eyes are bright and earnest. They have that slightly kicked puppy look that is like a kick in his gut. Levi's eyes look from the tie to his eyes, and he grimly confirms that it indeed goes with his eyes.

When he looks up again Erwin is wearing that familiar little grin. Nearly a smirk, but far too polite to ever venture there. Levi realizes in one terrible moment, in awe at the breath-stealing sight of Erwin, that he is fucked. He is so very, very fucked.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ayyye a cliffhanger, if you dig it leave feedback dude


	3. Party Girls, Don't Get Hurt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Levi makes bad decisions and then even worse decisions.

Levi collapses onto the unmade bed in Hange's room. The covers and discarded clothes bunch beneath him and form uncomfortable lumps. The play had ended half an hour ago. Hange had needed to come home, change, and use the restroom before the night could go on. 

Tonight they have plans to go meet up with Petra at a club called Three Walls. A ridiculous name in his opinion. Petra was to bring one of her younger friends from work. Levi let out a groan at the thought. What had he done wrong in his life  to still be clubbing with drunk college brats? He's thirty-five for fuck's sake. Unfortunately, Hange doesn't allow him to wallow in self-pity for very long. They're back, dressed, and dragging him out the door in only a matter of minutes. 

* * *

 

Levi can hear the music of the club a block away. _Wonderful._ He thinks. _I'll be deaf by the end of the night_. He and Hange skip the line and pass the bouncer without a word. Though, there are a few grumbles from the crowd. He remembers their pain, but he had done his time in the lines. He has near free reign at most of the clubs in the area.

The first thing that registers when he's inside is that the music is even louder. The lights are too bright and too fast for his tired eyes. He can already feel the  headache building. Hange puts a hand on his shoulder and walks off. As he looks around a blue shirt catches his eye. Then color throws Levi back in the lobby of the theater.

_Erwin towers over him and large hand is pressed to his cheek. Those blue eyes staring at him so deeply like they could burn the sin off his soul. Erwin is saying something, but Levi hasn't been listening. His mind can't get off the feel of his touch, the smell of him. The only difference from this scene and an old movie are that Erwin was always in burning technicolor. Perfect fucking awe-inspiring color_. 

Levi comes out of the memory. He mentally shakes himself and heads for the bar. He leans against the sticky wood, and orders a shot of vodka and a beer. He looks passed the crowd to the tables for his friends. Levi sees Hange with their arm slung over Petra's shoulder. Hange is leaning too close to Petra's face to be strictly friendly, but the woman doesn't appear to mind.  Rolling his eyes, Levi grabs the shot glass and tosses it back with a grimace. Squeezing his eyes shut, the scene of the lobby plays like a movie on the inside of Levi's eyelids.

_Erwin's face is too close to his own. Levi's blood rushes in his ears. The world around them is gone and all that's left is Erwin, Erwin, Erwin. Levi pushes on the tips of his toes and sways with his mouth too close to Erwin's. So close their breaths mingle and the heat of Erwin's body is radiating off of him. There are hands on both sides of his face, and they make him feel so small. They linger a moment too long and at the sound of fast approaching footsteps they break apart._

Levi flinches away from the memory and looks out to the sea of moving bodies. With a sigh, of resignation he holds his breath and chugs the beer. He breaks off with nearly the whole thing gone and burning lungs. He smacks the bottle down on the bar and sets off for the dance floor.

 He has just enough alcohol to feel the spark of electricity under his skin. The man lets himself get lost in dancing to make the world  feel blurry and far away.

Levi grabs onto the closest body and begins to dance. His eyes are closed.  He's completely anonymous amidst the masses, nothing matters. Levi opens his eyes when he's pouring sweat and feels less like a cloud of nothingness. The heavy-handed weight of his reality has begun to leech in on his peace.  He takes the time to get a good look at his dance partner. He's really surprised to find them still there at all.  It's the kid Petra had brought along. He has a pair of piercing green eyes, or maybe they are blue, but they aren't as expressive as Erwin's. They don't send waves of emotion through his bones. The only emotion that reflects in him is a repressed and likely ever-present anger. His face doesn't line up with his college kid status. The kid already has worry lines dug into his forehead like he's spent decades in stress. Levi realizes absently that the entire time he has been looking for the guy he has been staring back. Not uttering a single word or breaking his gaze.

His hands stay fixed on Levi's hips as they dance. It was little more than a tight grind of their hips with the weight of the crowd around them. Levi takes in the kid who was likely no more than 21. He has to look up despite the age difference in his favor. It's something that digs resentment into his veins, but the difference isn't as drastic as his and Erwin's. The kid has light brown hair falling into his face and is built of wiry muscle. He's absolutely nothing like Erwin.

Levi can't remember his name  even as he smashes their mouths together in a mash of lips and teeth to substitute a kiss. He can feel the kid's surprise, but the kiss is returned quickly.  It's when the hands moved from his hips to his ass that Levi breaks the kiss. He's forced from his dreamy reality. Growling, he pries the brat's hands off him. Levi curses his own stupidity more than that of the kid. He doesn't know what else he should have expected. 

He storms off the dance floor. Levi's eyes search the tables but when he comes up empty he begins to look for Hange in panic. With no luck, he checks his phone. There are two texts waiting for him.

_Hange: went home, with Petra. Finally scored!!_

The other is from Erwin. Levi shoves the phone back in his pocket in disgust and makes for the exit. He almost gets to the door when his path is blocked. Blocked by the kid.

He opens his mouth, voice ugly and loud, "What the fuck I tho-"

Levi cuts him off by pushing passed. He storms out to the chilly city air. He is already regretting how he let Hange persuade him to leave his jacket in their place.

"Goddammit, " he mutters. Levi wraps his arms around himself. It's only half a dozen blocks to his apartment. He could get there quickly and be out of the cold. Of course, he would only to be greeted with the lonely, bare walls of his apartment.  Levi stands on the street corner. He lets the map of the city he's memorized fill his mind. With a turn to the left, he could be on his way to his apartment. He thinks it over and makes a decision with only a moment's hesitation. Levi turns to the right and puts more distance between himself and his sad apartment with every step. Hunching in on himself, he starts walking faster.

He's going to regret this in the morning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> leave feedback and i'll love you forever.


	4. The Other (Wo)man

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Levi, why do you do this to yourself?  
> 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter has been edited!!!

Levi is surprised when the door opens, though rationally, he shouldn't be. It had been easy to slip past the grouchy doorman and into the elevator. The idiot had been passed out in his chair, clutching a picture of a freckled brunet boy. Now, though, Erwin is blinking sleepily into the brightness of the hall. He is dressed in only his light blue pajama pants. They bring back memories of their nights together where they curled up together in the giant bed. The memories make his heart feel like it might melt out of his chest. Levi brings his attention back to Erwin to take him in. It's clear he'd woken him up, but instead of satisfaction he feels only regret. He could leave. He could take off to the shiny elevator or even the stairwell.

Levi's leg twitches as the thought becomes more and more appealing with every passing second. In the end, it's Erwin's soft _Levi?_ His voice is rough from sleep. It unravels Levi and stabs him through the heart. His gray eyes flick between his escape plan and Erwin. His mind races. He doesn't know what to say, but the first thing out of his mouth is: "Is he here?"

Not home, but here. He can see the question register with Erwin. It's slow and the length of time amplifies the ache in Levi's insides. Before Erwin can answer him, Levi decides he's had enough of being so pathetic, of being a mess and having Erwin pick him back up. He goes for the elevator. His feet slip from under him as a strong hand grasps his arm. It holds him in place. The hand is big enough that it wraps entirely around his limb. Erwin's grip is not so tight as to keep him if he truly wished to go, but he doesn't. More than anything he wants to stay. So Levi falls back onto the large body now behind him. The warmth from Erwin seeps through his clothes and setting his skin ablaze.

" _Please_." Levi's voice breaks and his resistance is fleeting. He doesn't know what he's pleading for but he can't stop himself. This time his voice is a sob, rough and choked up, " _Please, oh god_."

"Shhh." Erwin presses his face into Levi's hair. He wraps his arms around him, and murmurs comforting words, "No, Levi, he's not here."

The word _here_ not _home_ breathes something akin to life into Levi. He wouldn't call it hope. The height difference makes it so Levi is pressed to Erwin's chest. His head barely reaches past the other's shoulder. There are steady rises and falls of Erwin's chest that calms Levi. When the panic subsides the bright lights of the hallway register in his mind again. The truth of this, that he's only allowed this embrace because Erwin's partner isn't there.

Levi rebels against the arm holding him. His fists pound on Erwin's chest in a struggle. Tears fight their way to his eyes despite his attempts to keep them dry. Erwin doesn't let go he just holds him tighter and lets him fight.

"Levi. It's okay, you're okay, we're okay," Erwin's voice is clear and strong. He's lost the gravelly edge of sleep.

Eventually, Levi stops his useless struggling. He presses into the warm chest with tears streaming down his face. Erwin's hand moves to the soft black hair and pets it gently. The strands slide through his fingers easily, but when he curls them he manages to get a firm hold. Erwin tilts Levi's head back enough to see the red rims of his eyes and blood flushed cheeks that shine with tears.

Erwin's heart breaks a little. The sight of Levi crying has always been rare. He was always so strong. Erwin takes a certain amount of guilt in his own pleasure at the way sadness looks spread across Levi's fierce features. Now, he feels nothing, but a longing to comfort him. His mouth presses to Levi's forehead and moves next to each sob-swollen eyelid, and then the red tipped nose. He hesitates before pressing his lips to Levi's, but his gray eyes flutter open in want, and he has no other option except to complete the action.

Levi kisses him back. There is not a moment's pause before the dark need is translated into hungry kisses. Erwin's conscience screams at him, but he never falters in their kiss. His own lips  are strong and demanding against Levi's. He pulls harder on the strands of hair in his grasp. His other is tight on Levi's waist. Levi steps onto the balls of his feet and his arms wrap around Erwin's neck to get closer. After awhile the strain becomes too sharp on Erwin's back, so he bends his knees and moves his hands to Levi's strong thighs.

Levi easily understands his intentions. The ease of this serves as another reminder that this is not their first time. Levi knows him. Levi knows his wants and his needs. Levi is the person who's given himself to Erwin. He's handed Erwin every part of him and he's the only one who's gotten the same in return. Or as close as anyone as ever could get. When Levi's legs are securely wrapped around his waist Erwin straightens up. They're not kissing though Levi's lips travel along the strong curve of Erwin's jaw. His small hands dig into the firm muscles of Erwin's arms. His own hands settle into Levi's thighs. His filed nails are only separated from the skin by the fabric of Levi's pants. Erwin's breathing is loud to his own ears, but the soft ding of the elevator penetrates their atmosphere and jolts him from the single-minded daze of Levi.

Levi jerks back and Erwin stiffens too. His hands clamp down on his covered legs. Erwin's eyes lock with Levi's, who nods his agreement. Levi's feet land unsteadily on the hallway carpet. The pair is inside Erwin's apartment before the heavy metal doors have even opened. The click of a lock sounds, and then Levi's reddened mouth is back to attacking Erwin's. They begin a blind trek into the apartment. The floorplan is still so familiar to Levi that he doesn't have to rely on Erwin leading him.

His bedroom is dark, but the door is opened wide from when he had left to answer Levi's knocking. Levi pulls his shirt over his head when they break apart. It's thrown across the room to land in a dark corner. Erwin's hands aren't shaking as he undoes Levi's fly. His own pajama bottoms are half way down his thighs when he's curled his fingers under the waistband of Levi's underwear. A small, cold hand has wrapped around his half-hard cock and begins to jerk him. 

    "Oh, goddamn, _Levi_." Erwin groans and in a surge of lust he kisses the shorter man. Levi's pants are pooled around his ankles and kicked away. His worn out briefs are tented as Erwin pulls him into his bed. They land with a heavy exhale, mouths pressing together. Money bought perfect teeth bite down on Levi's tongue and suck at his alcohol soaked tongue. 

     The untidy bundle of sheets holds only a whisper of warm now, but Levi spreads across them with fervor. His pale legs are open and beg for Erwin to slot between them, so he does. The limbs wind around him like ivy and trap him in their warm wonderful prison. His legs are still mostly trapped by the pajamas at his thighs, but Erwin refuses to take his eyes and hands off Levi. 

  Levi's hands twist in the sheets as Erwin sucks hard his neck. The man's hand is caught between them and rubbing his dick through his briefs.  Levi's voice comes to him but it cracks and slurs through his words. "God, _Erwin_ , I need you _._ "

Erwin leaves the spit slick skin on his neck to press a hard kiss to the begging mouth. He slides his body down the bed and his mouth becomes level with Levi's hip bones. He looks up at the desperate man beneath him. Grazing his teeth on the skin of Levi's belly, Erwin hooks his fingers into his underwear and pulls them down. Levi's cock bobs back eagerly, the tip leaking and flushed. Without preamble, Erwin takes the head into his mouth. His tonguing at the foreskin before he takes it deeper. Levi's body is taut beneath him. Gritting his teeth, he tries to resist bucking into Erwin's mouth.

Erwin sucks the rest of Levi's length into his mouth. The tip just hits the back of his throat and makes Levi hiss. He bobs his head softly trying to avoid from gagging. Levi breaks into a sweat as his hands leave the sheets to find purchase on Erwin's shoulders. He leaves thin red scratches behind. Erwin's muscles ripple as he pulls off to swallow in deep breaths before swallowing him down again.

Erwin's pulls off while his tongue drags along the underside of Levi's cock. He wraps his lips around the head and hollows his cheeks. Levi cries out. His back arches, and he involuntarily bucks into Erwin's mouth. His muscles tense and release in sporadic bursts. He shutters at the slight brush of teeth to his sensitive flesh and opens his eyes wide in surprise. He's caught staring into an ocean of blue as Erwin stares up at him. He doesn't look away. Erwin pulls off with spit stringing the distance between his mouth and Levi's cock. He winks up at him before sinking his mouth back down until his lips are sealed tight at the base. Levi freezes and then his hands are digging into the soft blond hair as his eyes clench shut. He comes with a choked shout. The warm spurts of cum a surprise that has Erwin choking until he relaxes again. He milks him until Levi whimpers and shoves at him.

Levi's hands are limp against the bedsheets, and his palms nail sized crescents dug in bright red. Erwin admires his trembling stomach and his smooth thighs that are red with the burn from his stubble. Levi had a terrible opinion of his own body hair and kept his legs, underarms, and pubic area shaved. Erwin rubs his hand over the red skin with a tender affection squeezing tightly around his ribs.

"Erwin," he whispers. Erwin looks up after a quiet moment. Levi's face is shadowed, but his eyes glow with the moonlight from the window. He speaks in a voice soft enough to meld with the darkness, "Kiss me"

It's all too easy to give in, so Erwin kisses him. Levi's mouth parts and his lips are warm and swollen. Erwin gives gentle licks to the bruised flesh, but Levi barely reacts. Erwin's body is a perfect fit against Levi's. His neglected cock twitches as it is pressed into the small, warm body. Erwin catches his breath and removes himself from between Levi's legs. His hands fit around over half of each of Levi's thighs, but instead of marveling at the size difference he maneuvers the soft limbs over each other so his thighs are pushed together. Levi lets himself be moved so his legs cross and his ankles lock together. Erwin pushes his pajama pants to his knees then gives a few awkward kicks to get out of them. They both laugh as he wobbles and topples onto the unoccupied part of the bed.

With a good-natured grin, Erwin gets up.  Levi returns his legs to the position they were in. Erwin's wraps a tight hand around his ankles. He sets them over his shoulder but keeps his hand clasped around them.

He spits inelegantly into the palm of his free hand. Levi groans with soft disgust, but his cock gives an interested twitch as the wet palm rubs his inner thighs. Erwin spits into his palm again but this time he runs it over his own cock. He aligns himself between Levi's thighs.  He thrusts between them shallowly and groans. Slowly building to thrust in earnest, Erwin chases his release. The sensations work Levi's cock back to hardness. They move in tandem. Levi's fist pumps his cock while he squeezes his thighs tight for Erwin's frantic ruts between them.

When Erwin comes it's with Levi's name on his lips. It's not much more than a groan that's pulled from his throat. He comes on Levi's stomach and the leaves a mess. Levi looks up at Erwin's face with his eyes half-mast. The blue eyes he had been seeking are hidden as his face scrunches up. He fucks his fist in a quiet mess of gasps, moving faster until he curses and his own small release joins Erwin's on his stomach.

They collapse in an exhausted pile together. Levi tiredly using the sheet to clean his skin. He falls asleep caged between Erwin's arms.

* * *

 

The sun barely peeks into the sex scented room, but Levi is already awake. The floor length windows that make up most of the eastern wall show the city, already bursting with energy even in the early morning light. He guesses it's only around five thirty in the morning. Levi pulls himself upright and looks at the man lying asleep beside him. Erwin's hair is still sex-mussed and his mouth is open with a small pool of drool beneath it.

A fondness strikes him and his hand reaches to touch a gorgeously structured cheekbone.  He stops midway. He turns to look out the window again. The sky is dark with cracks of pink light that are beginning to stem at the horizon.

Gently, he lifts the covers from his lower body and places his feet on the cold wood floor. He tries to stand as quietly as possible, freezing at the creak of the floorboards under his weight. He tiptoes around the room shrugging on his shirt and sliding his pants up to his hips. He doesn't bother with his belt but wraps it around his hand. His shirt is only partially buttoned. He kneels down to slide his socks and shoes on, but his eyes are drawn back to Erwin's sleeping form. The man's breathing is peaceful and even. Levi almost loses himself in the bliss.

It's the sound of an ambulance racing through the crowded streets outside that snaps him back to himself. He finishes his task of getting decent and stands back up.

Walking to the bedroom door he steels himself. Levi feels his chin and grimaces at the five o'clock shadow that has formed. Refusing to look back, he steps out of the room and walked himself to the front door. He looked back down the hallway and wishes dearly that he didn't have a flash of painful memories attacking his mind. Each one corresponds to its own square inch of the apartment. He wishes he could undress, and climb back into bed with the man he loves. Instead, Levi unlocks the  front door and steps through into the bright hall.

As the front door clicks shut Erwin's eyes burst open.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> alright dudes don't leave me hanging here. comments make my day.


	5. You Tell Me, "Baby, Please Come Home"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Levi puts on his big boy pants and tries to start anew. Too bad nothing seems to work out for him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (edited)

Levi finishes putting his clothes on in the elevator. The bland music plays at a muted level, but the lights are still annoyingly bright in the early hours of the morning.

The heavy silence fills the elevator ride until the metal doors slide open. Levi takes a deep breath and relaxes the crease in his brow. Without having looked in a mirror he knows his eyes are bloodshot. He takes in the various aches and strains in his tired body and finds his knee a dull throb of pain.

Stepping out, red-rimmed eyes scan the lobby. The ridiculous doorman is still snoring in his seat. Levi passes him, but not without giving him a quick flick on the forehead. The man awakens with a start and tips off his chair onto the horribly generic carpet. Levi picks up his pace, heading for the french doors as the man grows less disoriented. He has just stepped out onto the gray sidewalk when he hears the man's cry of outrage.

The air is as chilly as the night before, so Levi wraps his arms tightly around his torso and tucks into himself while shivering. He shakes his bangs in front of his eyes and keeps his head down. The early hour doesn't make his walk of shame suck any less. In fact, he thinks there are more people out now than at a decent hour of the morning. The taxis sit in the loud traffic that assaults his sleep addled senses. About halfway back to his apartment he remembers the text from Hange. He checks his phone to see if he has to shut down a police search. There were only two missed calls and five unread texts. They all seem to have been sent in the last few hours so he thinks it's safe to assume that they're still awake. He chooses to give them a call before his absence is noticed. They're definitely going to want to hear about last night.

Levi casts one last glance behind him despite knowing he wouldn't see anything but the random commuters. Almost dismally he thinks that this was likely to be his last encounter with Erwin Smith.

* * *

  
It is the middle of June now. Months away from the freezing January heartbreak, and Levi is wandering around at a furniture show. He'd been assigned the show while his other projects were stalled out. The smell of fresh wood accompanied by the pristine tidiness of the showroom has him enraptured. He looks over a cherry wood chair with wine-colored upholstery when a deep voice sounds from behind him.

"Do you like it?" A deep, manly voice questions.

Levi whirls around in surprise. His cheeks heat from the embarrassment of being caught entranced in the chair. He's further shocked taking in the tall figure before him. The man reaches far past six feet, he'd be terrifying if not for the goodness that radiates from him. He cranes his neck to see the shaggy blonde hair that nearly hides his hazel eyes. His broad shoulders are covered by a navy blue flannel, and he feels a curl of affection in his stomach as he sees scabbed the razor nick on the underside of the man's jaw. Levi can feel his neck protesting already, but he finds his eyes won't leave the man. Their eyes meet just a second of the warm mirth directed entire at him. It has Levi's stomach clench. He puts on a harmless smirk.

"Maybe I do." He leans forward, teasing him, " _But_ what does it have to do with you?"

The man laughs. It's a good laugh. It's a laugh that makes Levi's eyes widen from the spark it ignites in him. The man grins, his voice a deep rumble, "Well, I made it so I'm trying to see how the crowd is doing. Except, there seems to a patron too stubborn to give me his opinion. "

With that, he sticks his large hand out. Levi's eyes fix on its callouses and scars. He wonders at the frayed brown bracelet around the man's wrist while the man introduces himself. "I'm Mike. Uh, Mike Zacharius."

"I'm Levi Ackerman. Nice to meet you." Levi slides his own hand into Mike's. He almost laughs at how much he's dwarfed, but the grip on his hand makes any thoughts in his mind fade away. Their fingers linger just a moment as they break the handshake. When Levi leaves the show with about five hundred dollars less in suffering his bank account and a Friday night date with a certain carpenter.

* * *

 

It's Friday. More specifically, it's the night of his date with Mike. Levi is a container of both anxiety, and well, sexual frustration. The whole week he's been a wreck of writing, smoking, and preparing for this date. He has thirty minutes until he was to meet the man.  He runs his fingers through his damp hair nervously. His boots land heavily against the sidewalk and help him get a dark aura around himself. Levi slouches shoulders, hunches further in on himself, and pulls his army jacket around his body tighter. It's light enough for the blistering summer a dark green and brown mixture with the original military patches along the shoulders and the aesthetic ones iron everywhere else. He becomes so caught up in calming his nerves that when he finally comes out of his reverie he finds that he's passed his destination. Levi curses colorfully and turns around.

Levi reaches into his pocket and grabs his pack of cigarettes. He shakes the package to see if he has a lighter inside. The heavy sound of the plastic hitting the lid lets him exhale in relief. He lights one and lifts it to his lips. He checks the time. With a grumble, he speeds up to get to the restaurant. Mike is waiting outside with his tall body leaned against the building's bricks. There's a fresh mustache growing above his lip and Levi wondered if it would tickle when they kissed.

"Oi! Big and Tall section!" He calls.  Mike swings his head around to the shorter man's direction. A goofy grin spreads across his face, and he pushes his mop of hair from his eyes. Levi's heart stutters in his chest at the site. He takes a long drag off his cigarette and then tosses it to the ground, squashing it beneath his boot. With genuine remorse, he mumbles,"Sorry to keep you waiting."

"I'm just glad to see you," Mike replies. His voice edging at breathless. He throws an arm across Levi's shoulders as they walk together towards the entrance. Levi looks up to find the other man already staring and smiles. He has a good feeling about this.

True to his instincts the date goes well. Well enough that Levi finds his grumpy ass laughing at the stories Mike tells.  He even spits out a few of Hange's wilder escapades. When they're walking around the city afterward he leans into the arm that's again laid on his shoulders with a content sigh. He casts a side-eyed glance up at Mike as they near his street. When they reach his front steps he grabs Mike's hand and pulls it to his mouth. He kisses the warm flesh and looks up at his date. He takes a deep breath ad asks, "Do you want to come upstairs?"

Mike laughs and squeezes Levi's hand. "Oh, _hell_ yes."

It's the first night a long time that Levi enters his apartment tangled up in a tall, beautiful man. It would prove to be the beginning of a lovely affair. Levi spends countless nights curled up in the nook between Mike's arm and side. He notes as Mike snores softly beside him,  that he has finally hit a bliss in his life. He looks at lover and snuggles deeper. He listens to the sound of Mike's steady heartbeat to fall asleep. Of course, this is exactly when it starts again.

* * *

 

It starts with a voicemail of Erwin's deep voice broadcasted over the old machine. His voice full of longing and self-loathing as he slurs. Levi can't bring himself to listen to it fully nor can he bring himself to delete it. It grows into more with run-ins on the street that he can't chalk up to pure coincidence. The awkward eye contact and the stabbing sensation between Levi's ribs each time their hands almost touched in the crowd. He forces himself to move on, to pretend that he doesn't have some longing coiled up in his chest.

It stays locked away and safe until a rare rainy day. The heat lays in wait just behind the gray clouds and leaves the whole city weighed down with it. It's like waiting for a trap wire to be cut,but Levi isn't sure what he's waiting on. Mike had to do some work at the shop and was gone for the afternoon. Levi is going through his old writings in his absence (a cringe-worthy affair). The sound of the complex's doorbell startles him. His friends have keys, and Mike would have texted if he was heading back early. Levi stands on his creaking legs, grimacing at the sharp pain in his knee. He loathes the thought of never escaping his goddamn past.

He walks over to the window that faces the street and peers out. There he is. Erwin with heart-wrenching baby blues and put together suit. He runs a hand through his blonde hair as Levi watches him press the buzzer again. It's no great feat to pry open the window, and when it's wide enough he sticks his torso through it.

"Erwin!" He calls. The man in question looks around in confusion until Levi calls again. "What are you doing here?"

Wild blue eyes meet gray in the same moment that the rain starts up. It's near apocalyptic pouring and he has to strain his eyes to see. His brow creases.

"I-" Erwin stops and begins again louder, " I really need to see you, Levi."

His suit grows wetter with each word. He rambles about the past few months, his failing relationship, and how he wants to feel like himself again. Levi can't take any more as Erwin sputters and coughs around the rain. He's shaking like a pitiful leaf out there.  Levi races to his door and buzzes him in. In what feels like no time at all he hears the heavy footfalls coming up the stairs, and his door is being opened and then Erwin is in his apartment. Time scratches and stops.  Erwin has only been in his apartment a handful of times throughout their entire relationship. This is definitely Levi's least favorite time. Erwin is in his apartment dripping water all over his floor.

"Levi," He pleads.  There's a rough scratch in the back of his throat and Levi feels guilty for letting him stand in the rain so long. "Levi, it's not working because I still love you," He confesses.

And there they were. The words he'd wanted to hear for two years now spoken at the worst imaginable time. Mike flashes in Levi's mind. Their soft mornings, their laughter, the way Mike is always warm and soft in the right places. Levi still feels himself shuffle closer to the dripping man. Looking up at Erwin breaks something Levi didn't know was there. The lines in his forehead that appear to be carved permanently. His hair falling wet and matted onto his forehead. Levi stands against the wet frame of the shivering man. A hand goes to the nape of his neck and urges him onto the balls of his feet. With the distance eliminated lips find Erwin's. He loses himself in the kiss like a dream. He's crying salty warm tears, and Erwin's freezing cold from the rain water. Levi thinks of the picture they make. Erwin's a movie star beauty in his drenched suit and Levi in his white boxers and a tight t-shirt. Levi opens his eyes and pulls away. His vision is blurry with tears.

"I can't do this, Erwin!" Levi snaps. It hurts him to say. They're salt in his wounds until his head comes swimming back to him. Bitterness, rage, and loneliness all pound at his skull and it's Erwin's fault. He shoves away from Erwin's body with hands on his soggy chest. He loses his self-control, shouting now, "Call a car, or hail a goddamn cab! I don't care, old man, I can't be doing this with you."

Levi's chest heaves as he tries to catch his breath. His voice comes out a miserable mumble, "Not again."

"Levi-"

"Go! Just go!" He interrupts. His hands shake while he tries to stop it. His heart is beating hard against his ribcage. He thinks about Mike again. This time it's about the ways Mike was better for him...even if he doesn't love Mike as much as he loves Erwin. He could never hurt Mike like this.

Erwin stares with wide eyes. His mouth hangs open. He hadn't been expected Levi to reject him so soundly. The thought brings a new wave of anger forth. Erwin shuts his mouth and turns around. His hands are in his pockets until he reaches the door. Opening it, he looks over his shoulder. Levi's body is trembling with the effort to keep himself upright. He tries to still himself, but his knees shake anyway. Determined Erwin meets his eyes, and declares, "I love you, Levi. Don't forget that."

The flimsy door connects with the frame. Levi's knees hit the floor and are lifted up again. Levi cleans his apartment from top to bottom until he can't smell anything besides bleach. He falls asleep that night with his skin burning but there's only thought of blue eyes and wet fabric causing it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you've liked this story so far, its killing my feels  
> I love Mikeuri a lot AND I thought the pairing was perfect for Levi's "moving on"  
> GOD reading this makes me, the author, want to cry a little.


	6. Absolution Not Guaranteed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Being his baby on the side won't make the nights any less cold.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (edited)

As most affairs do it began with a weak moment. That second long window where someone doesn't hold back the secret longing and desire hanging in the corners of their mind. Levi had never imagined himself to be so mindless, yet there he is. There's sweat building on his forehead and a thick waist between his legs. His eyes are closed tight because he doesn't need to see to know what alarming shade of blue is looking down at him instead of Mike's hazel irises. His hands claws at Erwin's back as the man thrusts into him. Levi is too far gone with Erwin. Always Erwin. Their bodies rock together, the sound of skin on skin is loud in his ears. Levi moans and writhes under it. Erwin kisses the skin of his neck and his teeth nip at the fragile flesh. Levi whines but pushes him off. He huffs, "No marks."

Erwin growls into his neck and thrusts harder into him. Levi's legs tighten around his waist like a vice. He arches his back and slides a hand between them to jack his cock. The moment builds higher and hotter. His hand pumps faster as Erwin's breathing picked up. Levi came with a stuttered moan, his muscles tightening as he waded through the ecstasy. Erwin fucks into him faster, thrusting into him harder. The man thrusts one last time, staying as deep inside of him as he can manage as he comes. The weight of Erwin's body slowly lowers onto Levi and he struggles to take in any air, but can't push him off. He manages and pets the sweaty blond hair and tries to let himself enjoy Erwin's presence.

The fragile atmosphere is broken when a phone rings. Erwin's body lifts and his hand gropes for the device on the side table. "Shit," he swears, "It's Nile. I'm sorry, I have to take this."

Levi's stomach sours in an instant. He drags himself upright and moves to the edge of the bed while Erwin argues with his idiot boyfriend. Levi takes a deep breath and stretches his arms out. Erwin's grabs his wrist. " _I'm sorry_ " he mouths. He looks away in distress, returning to his conversation. Levi twists out of the now limp grasp in disgust. He propels himself out the bed with the dark, dirty feeling eating at his skin. His feet hit the floor, and he grabs his clothes heading to the bathroom.

Coming back, Erwin's shirt is unbuttoned but on his chest, and his slacks are secured at his hips. Levi notes the phone still in his hand and silently walks over. Erwin's forehead is creased in annoyance and he shoots Levi a pitiful look. Levi's his hands reach up to grab the front of Erwin's shirt and he kisses his frowning mouth softly. When he pulls back Erwin is looking at him with heart-stopping fondness. His stupidly large hand caresses his cheek making Levi kiss him again. He releases his shirt with a small grin and points towards the hotel door. He whispers his goodbye. While leaving he hears Erwin talking into his phone again and denies the piece of his heart that breaks.

He steps onto the crowded sidewalk. It's broad daylight and he's cheated on his boyfriend. He hopes nobody will notice the way his clothes are rumpled or the way his walk is affected. He feels the words 'whore' 'filth' 'scum' burn into his skin as he joins the crowd. He checks the time and decides he can get home before Mike gets done with the shop.

* * *

It becomes a thing. It fits into a routine. They get good at excuses. Levi gets good at pretending to not be hungry, pretending it's just his knee acting up, any excuse to explain away his lost time. They have a collection of hotels around the city where they know they won't get seen by friends. Levi's anxiety and guilt build up until he's afraid that it can be seen like a fog around him. Now, Levi is waiting in a hotel lobby uptown. The lights are buzzing quietly, and he fiddles with the hem of his shirt. There's that anxiety building under his skin again. He feels the twitchy frustration grow in his muscles. He's ready for Erwin to come back with the room key so he can get this over with. He frowns as his thought registers. He wonders: _When had this begun to be a chore for him?_

He's taken back to two months ago. When it started.

_Mike was down at the convenience store, leaving Levi with some quiet time. Of course, that was just the opening needed for Erwin to call. Levi was content to ignore the ringing of his landline and let him go to voicemail. But then his voice was echoing through the apartment. Levi's resolution crumbled from the pleading voice. He picked up the phone. "What do you want?" He snarls. His voice sounded more annoyed than he meant it to. Oh well._

_"Levi?" Erwin gasped in surprise. Levi hadn't picked up any of his calls before._

_"Yes, you oaf. Why are you calling me?"He demanded and cringed at himself. He shouldn't have done this._

_" I miss yo-" Levi cut off the offending sentence before the blow of it could settle into him. "Do you still have a boyfriend?"_

_Levi cut off the offending sentence before the blow of it could settle into him. "Do you still have a boyfriend?"_

_Erwin paused, " I- yes."_

_Levi closed his eyes with a grimace. He sighed into the receiver. He tried to inject strength into his words, to sound resolute."Then stop calling me."_

_He moved to hang the phone up and end the conversation before it got any worse. His hand was hovering over the phone base when he heard Erwin's voice call out again._

_"Wait! Levi, it's not working out. Nile and me, we're just not working out anymore. Please, meet with me so we can talk, please?" Erwin asks, trying to hit a weak piece in Levi's armor. He's frozen, his heart is trying to escape through his throat. He knows he should just hang up but-- "Levi?"_

_"Alright."_

_"..Alright?"_

_Levi punched the table in front of him and swore quietly at the pain. "Yes, alright I'll meet you."_

_"Oh, oh! good, I have so mu-" Erwin's voice is full of brilliant energy._

_But Levi couldn't listen anymore and he cut off Erwin again. "I'm free Tuesday for lunch. I have to go."_

_He ignored the disappointment in Erwin's voice while saying their goodbyes and hung the phone up without another word. He feels watched, but when he turned around the apartment is still empty except for him._

What draws him back to the present is someone speaking to him.

"So, how much?" It's a firm whisper from a suited man an inconspicuous distance from him. Levi glances around to make sure the man is talking to him.

He raises an eyebrow. "What?"

"For sex, how much do you charge?" He replies in total seriousness. His face is blank, but his beady eyes are roaming across Levi's body. The disgust rolls around in Levi's stomach. "I've seen you here before with a man, I assume you are a-"

He can't help himself. His fist is balled and he's swinging at the creepy fucker's face before he realizes and shouts "Fuck you!" to the injured man. The few people standing about in the lobby are staring at them, and Erwin picks this moment to reappear. The man scuttles off as Erwin approaches. "Hey! Levi, what happened?"

"I'm leaving!" He exclaims. He's burning up with rage inside. He wants to tear something apart to feel his anger put into something, to get it out of him. He tries to watch his volume when he continues, "I can't do this, Erwin. That creepy business man thought I was a fucking rent boy! I'm done."

Levi heads for the doors, leaving Erwin with his mouth hanging open. He crosses the threshold into the warm sunlight when he hears hurried footsteps coming behind him. He stumbles onto the sidewalk, a few people mutter about his behavior but none stop. There's a soft voice calling his name as Erwin races out of the hotel shouting for him to wait. Levi looks to see Petra standing a few feet away from him. Her light hair shining in the sun, she's wearing a flower-printed dress and carrying shopping bags. Levi's stomach twists as he sees the confusion on her face change to realization and then to anger. She takes off in the direction she came from.

Levi immediately runs after her, ignoring Erwin's calls to him. He has to catch up to her and explain. He just doesn't know how yet. "Petra!" he calls, "Petra wait!"

He sees her thin body slow to a stop on the sidewalk. He quickly catches up and stops behind her. Before he can open his mouth in explanation she's turned on her heel. Her face even with his due to her kitten heels. She looks ready to burst from her anger. "What are you doing with him? He has a boyfriend, Levi! You have a boyfriend! How could you? What about Nile? What about Mike?" She demands already on the verge of tears but so is Levi.

"I didn't mean for it to get this far. He said he and Nile weren't working out and I just, I couldn't help it." He can hear how flimsy and pathetic his words are. His eyes prickle and he shuts them to keep from embarrassing himself. He tries again, "I really didn't mean to-"

"But you did!" Petra's voice breaks hoarsely. She's got tears streaming down her red cheeks. She stutters around the crying, "Think about if I did what you did, but to Hange."

"I'd kill you." He agrees. His argument, his force behind it has crumbled. The guilt is tearing him apart from deep inside his chest like it's done time and time again. "Petra, I- Fuck, I'll break it off. I will. Please just don't tell Hange," He pleads.

He hears Petra's heavy breathing. After a moment, he opens his eyes and regrets it because he can see the disappointment on her face. There's a pause where their eyes meet. She takes a deep breath and speaks, "Okay, I won't tell them, but I don't think I can talk to you for awhile Levi. I love you, and you're still my friend, but I have to process this."

Levi bites his lip and nods. He can't bring himself to object. It's more than he deserves. "Okay, I'll see you when you're ready." He straightens

He straightens up and smooths out his clothes to attempt to put himself together. He looks around, but no one is paying attention to them. He turns around while fighting the urge to pet Petra's hair and pull her into a hug. He walks away and heads back to the hotel where Erwin is sitting on the steps with his head in his hands. He walks closer until he's blocking the sun, and Erwin looks up.

"This is over. I can't do this anymore," He starts. Erwin tries to cut in, but Levi continues, "You need to go back home to Nile. I have a boyfriend and you do too. This has gone on too long as it is."

Erwin can either see the resolve on his face or hear it in his voice because he only nods. Levi backs up as Erwin stands. He opens his mouth, "I love you, Rivaille."

Levi smiles sadly and shakes his head without saying anything. They head off in different directions. Levi forces himself to resist the urge to look back.

* * *

_**Two Months Later** _

Mike is down on his ridiculously large knee looking up at Levi with his big hazel eyes and a hopeful expression. His bangs are pushed aside so Levi is forced to stare either at his boyfriend's face or the thin silver band held between the man's fingers. It makes sense to Levi. They are in front of a beautiful fountain with the city lighting up in place of the sun. Here is the man, Levi would swear up and down to love beyond sense, proposing. Mike is truly asking Levi to spend the rest of his life with him.

But the silence on Levi's part lasts a moment too long and Mike's expression falters. The deep voice trembles when he gently calls out,  "Levi?"

"I slept with my ex-boyfriend," Levi blurts. They're flat words that tumble onto the pavement and shatter like glass.

Mike pushes back and gets onto his feet in confusion with the ring box now clenched tight in his hand. "What?" He flounders in disbelief. "

" _What?_ " This time his words are mixed with desperation. His eyes stare daggers into Levi with the pain reflected in them.

Levi can't  find it in himself to look at him. His feet shuffle and he shoves his hands into his pockets. His bangs dangled in front of his eyes."I slept with my ex-boyfriend," he repeats. 

"Just once?"  Levi shakes his head. He hears the sharp intake of air from Mike and flinches. Mike lets out a sigh, and asks, "How long?"

Levi's voice is watery with shame, he mutters, "A while." The hot tears slid down his cheeks and he hastily wipes them away. He scrubs at his cheeks, a scream building up inside him that he swallows down. He tries to soothe him with by continuing, "It's over now, I don't love him." _Liar._ "I'm so sorry Mike."

He hears Mike's breathing pick up and forces himself to look at the man. He owes him that much. But Mike is looking away to some far off point. He's got a glaze of tears in his eyes. He opens his mouth and scoffs but still doesn't look at Levi. He clears his throat and speaks, "I need some time. I need to be alone for awhile."

The omnipresent dread falls over Levi like a blanket, and he steps towards Mike. His hands land on the man's chest and he's relieved when Mike doesn't flinch away. He places his wet cheek on Mike's clean button up. The shirt he'd worn especially for tonight so he could bare his heart to Levi. The thought starts Levi crying again. The guilt and shame wash over him and Levi lets himself sob, and Mike pets his hair. Mike ignores his own pain that stabs through his chest with each hiccoughed sound. Levi gasps for air and looks up at Mike's shadowed face. He rambles, "I never meant to hurt you, never. I wish there was a way for this to be okay again. I'm sorry."

Mike can only look away. His hand pushes Levi's snotty face back into his chest. "I love you," he begins, "but _you_ _broke my fucking heart."_

Mike clutches Levi tighter to try and keep himself together. Levi, however, can't do the same. He tears away from Mike. He wipes away the snotty slick that's covered his face. His breathing is uneven as he spirals into a panic. He isn't seeing Mike, or the fountain, or even the people bustling around him anymore. The city that never sleeps or stops for tragedy is replaced with his guilt. Mike's words keep replaying in his head as memories of Erwin blind him. His skin feels filthy and exposed. His hands twitch with the need to scratch his wrongdoings. "I can't be here." He blurts. His eyes aren't focused on anything in particular as Mike steps toward him in concern. "No!" Levi's voice was slightly raised, "I have to go."

"I can't be here." He blurts. His eyes aren't focused on anything in particular as Mike steps toward him in concern.

"No!" Levi shouts in panic. "I have to go."

As soon as the words leave his mouth Levi is in motion. His feet know where he's going when his own head is drowning beneath the waves. He's not watching the people he passes and his gait barely falters for the traffic. His head remains quietly whispering intrusive thought that made his knees weaken and his feet hesitate as he crosses the street. It's a miracle that he manages to stay alive.

Levi arrives in the hallway. The lights that try to be warm and inviting eat away at him. He knocks fast and loud on the door, his face covered in dried tears. His head hangs. The door opens and his hand falls limply to his side. The voice that greets him shifts from surprise to concern, "Oh- oh no, Levi, what happened?"

Hange wraps their arms around Levi's shaking body. They pull him into their bright, cluttered apartment. He absently registers Petra's voice from somewhere as he cries himself dry on his best friend's shoulder.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you aren't hurting too bad.


	7. The Blackest Day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really trying guys, writing is just really hard to do consistently. Sorry this is short.

Levi spends three days on Hange's couch. They force food down his throat along with water, and Petra comes by to make sure he's okay when Hange gets stuck at work. The apartment changes around him, the disarray in various states as he feels like he's rotting from the inside. His bones feel like they've grown mold and his hair lays limp and greasy on his face. His phone dies during day one. When he manages to talk himself into standing he digs through his friends crap and finds a charger.

He's nearly through the third day when he checks his phone. The calls and messages have piled up. He deletes them without bothering to read them. His skin still crawls as he inevitably looks through his gallery. The pictures of the happy couple he used to be a part of. That he destroyed. They cut him open until he can't sit on the couch. He paces the living room and bites his fingers while thinking about Mike and Erwin. He counts his laps around the living room and on the 105th loop he stops.  He grabs his phone from the charger. His fingers are greasy and leave smears on the screen as he texts Hange to tell them he's leaving.

He finds his shoes from where Hange has left them, and half-assedly puts them on. His breathing is heavy as he leaves, locking the apartment door and pulling it shut behind him. He doesn't have energy. Now that he's out in the cat piss smelling hallway, his conviction leaves him. Levi slumps his shoulders and pushes his bangs back. He has to get home so he digs into his pocket and finds his wallet. He's got enough money to get a cab home. He makes it down stairs, out of Hange's building, and onto the sidewalk. He throws his arm out into air and waits for a cab.

  
When he gets home he digs the pile of mail from his mailbox. His apartment is the same as he left it in nearly every detail. Levi ignores the key that sits in the middle of his entryway table. He dumps his mail and walks like a zombie to his bathroom.

  
The water is too hot, and his skin is turning red and his scalp burns. Levi's been sitting on the floor for ten minutes straight without scrubbing or making an effort to do anything except hold down the contents of his stomach. He feels like the earth would shatter if he let out any piece of what he was feeling inside.

Eventually, as the water begins to turn frigid he stands again. Nearly unable to breathe from the knot that's tied around his throat. He washes his hair in the cold and rubs at the fresh goosebumps on his skin. He still feels like he's decaying, but turns off the water and grabs a towel.

He doesn't dry himself off he just wraps himself in the terry cloth before climbing into his bed. He lays cold and shaking under his comforter, his eyes closed tightly. It's only 6 in the afternoon. His apartment is dark, though, dark enough that with his eyes closed tightly and he manages to sleep.

Levi wakes up in the middle of the night. His dreams leaving him crying as he comes into consciousness. He tries to stop the way his voice breaks and huffs around the sobs. He shakes so hard he's afraid he'll break apart. He curls into himself still naked from earlier. He claws at his skin and curses.

He slowly stops crying. His heart stops pounding so hard in his chest and his lungs stop aching so deeply. He's stuck with this unbearable numbness like he's missing some piece of himself.

At three a.m. Levi gets out of bed. He turns on the light at his bedside table and drags himself to his closet. When he's dressed he turns on every light in his apartment. He grabs gloves from under his kitchen sink along with his cleaning products and gets started. Levi keeps himself awake. He cleans every surface of his apartment until his joints are aching and there's the burn from chemicals in his nose almost covers up empty feeling in his chest.

When the sun has risen Levi is back in bed. His hands are red and raw from where the gloves tore an hour in and he hadn't stopped. He checks his phone on the bedside table, this time paying attention to who has texted him. He curses at the missed calls and texts from his editor and immediately starts a message back. When he's done he feels exhausted,  so much more than he has the four past days.

Levi tries to label the thing, the emotion that is ceaselessly carving a hole in his chest and dumping it out like a purse onto the sidewalk to be trampled. He can't. He pulls a pillow over his head and pushes away his mind. It doesn't take too long for him to fall asleep again.


	8. To Lie Like You Lie

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 2.5 k of pain

Levi spends the fall with his friends; the guilt recedes to a background throb. It stings when he thinks about Mike's warm smile and soft hair, but it's never the bleeding wound it should be. Hange drags him to pumpkin patches and forces him to decorate. New polaroids are made with his skin flash yellow as he lugs pumpkins and a disgruntled frown.

On days where Levi can barely get the words out, or organize his bills Petra smiles sympathetically. Her eyes sad with him. She pets his hair when they watch movies together; his head resting in her or Hange's lap on the hard days.

It's a windy day in November, he's walking to pick up something from the corner store; a newspaper catches his eye. He stops, picking up the paper and laying a few dollars onto the counter absently. He walks away in a daze, forgetting his original task. Levi's eyes scan the words over and over.

He gets back to his apartment. Petra greeting him, and walking around the corner. "Oh hey! Did you..." She trails off. Her expression is solemn, almost afraid.  
"What's that?" Her words are spaced out, drawled with care.

"They broke up," Levi says dejectedly.

"What? Who-" Petra stops. -"Oh, oh no. Hange!" She calls out. They make a grunt of acknowledgment from the kitchen. Levi walks to his lounge chair, sitting down with an empty look in his eyes. Erwin's press coverage is not new, someone as rich, and handsome, as he is; the press wants to know his everything. He hears Petra calling for Hange again. His best friend rips the paper from his hands, their eyes scanning the article before an unearthly shriek is released.

Petra startles and bumps into Levi's lamps with a curse. Levi only covers his face with his hands. "I know." He says, answering the outburst.

He suddenly feels every second of his 36 years sink into his skin. The heavyweight not to be outdone by the monster clawing from his belly button. It's like an addiction, threatening his sanity with too many if/then scenarios to process. Levi groans in distress, "What am I going to do?"

"You're not to do anything!" and "Why would you need to do anything?" come tumbling out at him at the same time. Hange balls up the paper and stalks off with it in hand. Levi hears the click of a lighter and their grumbling from his kitchen. They come back with a charred roll and cigarette between their lips. They take a long drag and pass it to Levi.

"You're not going to do shit, Rivaille, do you hear me?" Hange waves the burnt paper. "This is shit! All that man has ever done is tear you apart. Leave it alone."

Levi's chest sinks into the chair. The air feeling thin, but he nods. He pulls on the cigarette and grimaces. "Happy fucking Thanksgiving."

* * *

 

It's the early heat of summer when Erwin is fresh on the press again. Levi hears about the accident on the news. His old early 2000s TV is on for white noise as he tries to finish his article for the week. The ratty white tank sticking to his skin, and the sound of the city flowing in through his windows. His fingers tap against the keyboard restlessly. He stares at the screen, useless words in a meager three lines.

He looks up and over at his television. It's already five o'clock so the news is on. He sees the banner at the edge of the screen feeling as though he will suddenly stop breathing.

The female news anchor is talking about a skydiving accident. He can barely hear her as he reads the scrolling banner, the unlucky ones aren't listed there. His whole body is clenched tight as the name Erwin Smith is announced by the news anchor. The release hitting him like he's nose-dived himself. It was a parachute malfunction, the other two people died while Erwin was in critical condition. The banner’s contents switch to some other tragedy too soon; he hasn't had enough time to absorb it and move on.

His heart skips, almost to a stop. Levi is suspended in a quiet chaos. The ring of silence rebounding in his ears as Erwin's name burns the underside of his eyelids. Every cell in his body screams at him to go to the hospital, he doesn't know which one. He wants to search each one until he finds Erwin. He needs to see him breathe, see his ocean deep blue eyes.

He turns to his computer, without saving he exits his document and searches up the accident. Writing down the hospital listed to have received the victims and rushing to get dressed.

His door shuts behind him and he leans against it in exhaustion. He wasn't family or a spouse and the nurses had refused him entry. Levi's head bounces painfully against his door. He hisses through his teeth; his hands rip open his shirt. Buttons fly across the room. His skin too hot with the frustration skating along the surface. His nerves are shot to shit and he still has to write his article.

He is stripped to his boxers by the time he gets to his desk. The pitiful A/C rumbling and groaning into the quiet night. He logs on his laptop, the machine old and slow while chewing on his lower lip to try and rid of his excess energy. His conversation with the surly, overworked nurse running through his mind.

* * *

 

“I need to see Erwin Smith.”

“Are you family?” Her beady eyes stare emptily at him, an eyebrow cocked expectantly.

Levi bites away the lie, “I'm his husband” dying to roll off his tongue. Instead, he squares his jaw and looks at the counter top. “No.”

“Then visiting hours are tomorrow from 10 am to 1pm.” She drones. She blows a faded pink bubble with her gum and bites into it, turning away from him.

His knuckles clench on the counter's edge. He grates words between his teeth. “Just - Tell him I was here. Tell him Rivaille was here, alright?”

“Yes, sir I will,” the nurse replies. Levi stalks away while his frustrated tears threaten to overflow.

* * *

Later, when he's safe in the empty apartment he closes his eyes. The tears swell beneath his lashes when he tries to push it from his mind. After sitting in the prolonged blink, he starts on his work. His mind is everything but blank as he begins to type his article.  
 

Two days later Levi gets a call in the early morning hours. He picks up his phone and answers with a growl. The responding laugh sends a rush of panic through him like he's been struck. He sits straight up, hair amuck and in his eyes.

“Erwin?” He gasps.

“Yeah, it's me. The nurse told me you came by, but sadly she botched up your name.” He chuckles and Levi tries to contain his relief.

Levi huffs out a laugh. “Of course, what else is expected?" He pauses awkwardly, not quite sure what to say.

He pauses awkwardly, not quite sure what to say.

“Well, I'm calling because. Because I'm staying at the Bentley on the upper East side until I fly out to California. I was only back in New York for business, but now since I'm not supposed to strain myself I was wondering if..” Erwin trails off.

Levi bites his lip, his cheeks heating involuntarily. He thinks about what he should do. His mouth decides for him, “If I could come take care of you, old man? Don't worry, I will. Just give me the room number.”

Levi gets out of bed for a pen and scribbles the number onto a scrap of paper. He's pulling on his only clean pair of skinny jeans by the time they hang up.

* * *

  
He knocks on Erwin's door and waits with his arm up on the door frame as he leans against it. It swings open, and he's greeted by a fluffy haired, tired-eyed Erwin Smith. He takes him in. His eyes stop at the missing appendage. A stump just below his shoulder that's swathed in gauze and tape. Erwin catches his look and grimaces, “I know, I'm not used to it yet either.” His voice has a dejected edge that forces Levi to pull himself together.

“Oi, at least you've lost some of that weight,” He jokes, “Now you don't have to work on your gut.” Through the white T-shirt he can see how toned Erwin actually is, his belly tight and the lining of fat adding to his appeal.

Through the white T-shirt he can see how toned Erwin actually is, his belly tight and the lining of fat adding to his appeal. Erwin chuckles, walking away from the door and Levi follows, kicking it shut behind him. Levi takes in the room. It's nice, Erwin's bags are placed beside the dresser. His pill bottles are on the right bedside table, though. He walks over to them and reads the labels. He scoffs replacing them on the table. “For someone higher than a kite you seem like your normal self,” He remarks in shock.

Erwin grins at him from the bed he's now sitting in with a remote in hand. He winks, and Levi feels his stomach drop. “But, baby, I'm always cool.” He corrects, sounding like an old black and white movie star.

“Sure,” Levi snorts sarcastically. “Now, I'm playing nurse today so tell me what I need to do.”

“I don't think I want you as my nurse. I always preferred the candy stripers” Erwin drawls lazily.

“Ha. Ha.” Levi deadpans. He sits on the edge of the bed then lays down. When he's stretched his hair touches the side of Erwin's thigh. He stares at the upside down face and lets himself relax.

“I just need you to change my bandages, open my pills when I need them, and help me get dressed tomorrow,” He says and adds, “I can't shower until I check in with my doctor back in California.”

Levi nods his acknowledgment. He doesn't mind taking care of Erwin. He's never minded. He reaches up and puts his hand over Erwin's. Their body temperatures are different. Erwin is always burning up while Levi can freeze in sunlight.

* * *

  
It's only around six, but they order room service anyway. Erwin's bandages have been changed and Levi has seen the puffy pink scar that has taken the place of his arm. He had run his fingers over it in awe, Erwin shuddering beneath his hand. He tells Levi how the doctor had instructed him on keeping it clean; Levi follows it to the letter. He also cleans the gash on Erwin's chest.

The food is so Erwin could take the next dose of his meds. Now, Erwin is floating on a cloud while Levi is as good as drunk on his company alone. They are goofing off, flipping through the TV's channels. They land on a generic black and white film and watch it with rapt attention. When a slow dancing song starts and the guy gets his girl they look to each other. Levi's skin burns with the sinful urges to touch, to take, to dirty himself for Erwin.

Erwin watches at him with dopey, tired eyes and asks him to dance. Levi can't find it in him to try to object. He climbs off the bed and pulls off Erwin with him. He feels too light on his feet. He's not sure he can even trust that he's really there. He decides it's not worth caring when the strong hand rests in the small of his back; his own arms are wrapped around Erwin's neck. He's careful not to cause any  pain to his wounds. As they dance Erwin talks about nothing. His ramblings nonsensical due to the medication, but Levi doesn't mind. They dance long past the point of the movie’s end.  
  
Suddenly, it near midnight and Levi's eyes feel heavy. His mouth slows down around his words and his eyes fall onto Erwin's lips. He smiles sleepily and leans forward. Erwin meets him halfway in a chaste kiss. Their mouths fitting against each other in tired affection. They pull apart, and Erwin stares into Levi's dazed gray eyes. “You're the one, Levi,” He murmurs.  
-

Levi doesn't remember falling asleep. He does remember his last few moments of consciousness, though. It's the only thing he has wanted since their very first meeting. Back then he had been freshly 30 and still not ready to settle down.

He had met Erwin in a smoky dark club via Hange who had been interested in getting into his pants. They had spiraled into a relationship that lasted nearly two years. It ended as with as much vigor and energy as it had begun. Energy can't be destroyed so theirs was released like a bomb. The years following it were a blur; it was a compilation of hook ups that turned into second chances, third, fourth. Levi had thought they were finally done. Then one rainy afternoon two years ago, he was placed back in Erwin's town car. The cycle had repeated, slower, but with more collateral damage.

Erwin is already awake. He’s sitting on the edge of the bed. Levi can see his strain at remaining balanced with only one arm and Levi can't imagine how he managed to get up in the first place. He slides up, pressing his chest to Erwin's back and presses a kiss to the nape of his neck. Erwin stiffens beneath his lips.

Erwin sighs, “Levi..”

Levi freezes, pulling away with the devastating feeling of the world crumbling under him. “Oh. Okay.” He says blandly.

He turns away and crawls off the bed. Erwin protests and grabs at his ankle, but Levi jerks away. He gathers his jeans from the floor, jumping and pulling them on as quickly as possible with his back to Erwin. When he turns back around Erwin is still staring.

“I'll just change your bandages, and I'll help you get changed then I'll be gone. Alright?” He asks with no room for argument in his voice. He feels like he's spiraling out of control so he does everything he can to seem cold and unfeeling. Erwin nods his agreement, and Levi grabs the what he needs from Erwin's bag. He sets to cleaning the fresh seam and setting new bandages. His touches are firm and clinical. He doesn't linger on the wound or any part of the man.

When Levi cleans the cut on Erwin's chest he pretends he cannot feel the speeding rhythm of his heart. Erwin makes no move to talk to him, so Levi lets the silence ferment to acidic.

He walks to the bathroom, throwing everything away and washing his hands. He snags a plastic cup and let's tap water fill it. He has to give Erwin his painkillers and antibiotics. He curses when the water splatters on the floor due to his shaking hands. He sets it down on the bedside table before uncapping the pill bottles. Erwin tosses both in his mouth when they're handed to him and chases them with a swig of the water. He grimaces at the metallic taste and chalky residue.

Levi pushes his hair from his face, sighing in frustration. He ponders for a long moment, trying to remember what he needs to do. The clock on the wall taunts him with it's dragging minutes. “Do you have clean sweats in your bag?”

“Yes, the duffle has them.” Erwin mumbles, eyebrows drawing together. Levi denies that the ache in his chest is because of how distant Erwin's being. Last night he had felt hopeful, now he's back at the square one he's been circling since 30. He's tired, so tired. He begins helping Erwin undress with a deep breath burning his smoker lungs.

He leaves after Erwin is all packed up and ready to check out. He gives him a hug and the older man's hand rubs softly between his shoulders. Levi pulls back and places his hands on Erwin's chest. His voice shakes when he speaks, “Take care of yourself, ok?”

A massive hand comes up to his cheek. Though the blue eyes are still frozen over the warmth of his hand blooming across Levi's skin is enough. He rubs a thumb across Levi's cheek, and utters, “You too, kid, you too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope everyone enjoyed this! I know it was a long time coming so I made sure to drag it out as long as I could. Please comment & leave kudos, or talk about it with me at godlyweapon.tumblr.com


	9. Swan Song

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set three years after we last saw Levi and Erwin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it, guys! And I did some MAJOR editing to the previous chapters so I suggest you go back and read the new and improved story!!!!!! I hope you all enjoy this ending because it's the first multi-chaptered story I have ever finished, and even though it was a year in the making I'm still proud.

**_[Three Years Later]_ **

Levi is planning his wedding at the age of forty. 

He isn't sure that he's not making it all up in his head, to be honest. Everything in the past year has felt more like a fever dream than his own life. He doesn't like to think of the maudlin, but the movie lines about everything falling into place seemed like they just might have some merit after all. He takes all these new joys with trepidation. He still walks like he can't trust the ground beneath his feet; however, with each day of peace he grows a little more comfortable in his own skin. The idea that the shoe won't drop takes root and builds a home in his brain. He thinks he has a real shot at that happiness thing. 

* * *

 

Levi wakes up before the sun has fully risen. The apartment is quiet and there's only a dim blue light coming from the windows. He sits up and stares at the blank wall next to his bed; they hadn't gotten around to decorating yet. He stretches and looks at the sleeping body over his shoulder with a smile. He gets out of bed and goes into the kitchen. There are only a few things unpacked and his ancient coffee maker is one of them despite how out of place it looks on the marble counter top. He starts it up and walks to grab his computer from the bedroom. When he gets there the bed is empty. He looks to the bathroom but it's empty. He nearly drops his computer when his warm arm curls around his waist  Levi curses, and cranes his neck to look up at Erwin.

Erwin blinks at him sleepily. He shoves his face into  Levi's hair, mumbling, "Come back to bed."

"I've already made coffee." He protests while sinking back against him.

The arm around his tightens, and Erwin gives a lazy grind against him. He nuzzles into the crook of Levi's neck and leaves a few soft kisses on his skin. " Come back to bed," he repeats. His hand starts to climb beneath his shirt, rubbing his skin slowly.

Levi puts his computer back in place of the desk and lets himself be led back to his bed. The coffee can be reheated anyway.

* * *

 

The planning starts to build up around Levi. He never saw himself getting married in the first place, and now he's caught choosing the smallest details of things he doesn't care about. In fact, the frustration is like an itch under his skin that begs like a dog for him to break. He has to look down at the silver band around his finger to remind himself what's all building up to. Each time he's hit with the tidal waves of relief and guilt. Both like an endless reflection. He is relieved that he'll at least be permanently part of Erwin and guilty that he has to think it to be able to manage all the stress. The cracks in his surface turn to fissures in his relationships.  

One evening at their newly assembled dining room table, he snaps. His hands dig into the stack of paper before him, and he takes a deranged glee in tearing them apart. He has energy pulsing in every muscle. The violence sits behind his tongue and begs to be taken out. Erwin hears the racket and comes from his office with concern on his face. He sees his fiancé curled over the table, fists balled around the papers and approaches as gently as he can. "Levi?"

It's like a pin in a balloon, the anger deflates and leaves him hunched over the table in defeat. Erwin hurries closer. His hand cradles Levi's face, he meets his eyes. "What's going on, kid?" He questions. His voice has a panicked edge as he tries to soothe his lover. Levi shakes, his hands releasing the torn paper. Erwin leans down and presses a kiss to his forehead, the calming rhythm of his breathing serving to calm Levi. He wants to shut down and hide away all the things ripping the edges of his sanity. He looks up at Erwin through his lashes with a sigh,  "It's so much, Erwin, it's too much."

Like a gutshot, the words are painful to heave up. He feels so ungrateful and worthless, nearly a decade of chasing this man and he's crumbling because of wedding planning. His fingers itch to clean and scrub until the feelings bleed into the background. 

He expects this is it. This is how his future dies and he ends up alone forever crashing on Hange and Petra's couch. Erwin's arm comes up around him and his big hand is on his jaw, tilting his head back so he can capture his lips in a kiss. He feels comforted and guilty all at once. The longer it drags on though the more the guilt fades. He finds himself backed up into the table, then hopping up on the edge with Erwin between his thighs. Erwin pulls back suddenly, "Baby, as long as I end up married to you I don't care how it happens." 

Levi refuses to say he swoons. Forty year old men don't swoon, but he's damn near close to just that. He thinks about the days where Erwin was too distant to even let him stay at his apartment longer than a night. Now, they're living together, they're engaged, almost ten years and whole arm less later and the only thing in their way is _Levi._

He laughs, grabbing the collar of Erwin's shirt and kissing him hard. "I love you," he murmurs into the other's lips. He swallows the reply and all the other words that fall from Erwin's lips in favor of descrating their dining room table and wedding papers. It doesn't matter. Nothing except this, right here matters.

* * *

 

And Levi can't help but think it was all worth it as the justice of the peace asks him, and he stumbles out the words. And then finally it's Erwin's turn and in a clear crystallizing moment Levi hears him say the only thing that matters:

"I do."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I AM SO SORRY I GOT INTO A MILLION NEW FANDOMS AND FORGOT ABOUT THIS BUT ITS FINALLY DONE I HOPE U ALL LIKE IT


End file.
